Well geeeze, it has been forever since I have done anything on here but read Sister Mary Lisa's blog! So I guess I had better post something. My life has been hectic and I am not getting what I need to done, but that is the story of my life. I am struggling with my mom right now, you could say that we just don't see eye to eye on some things. Like God for instance...thats the biggest thing, and it causes us to look at life differently and that in turn causes tension. She thinks I'm naieve, and well I beg to differ. If putting all my faith in God and something that brings me more happiness in life then I have ever expirenced, well then yes I guess I would be naieve. But anyway, I thought I would get that off my chest. It has brought me down this last week. But lets not focus on the bad but rather on the good things. The greatest thing that happened this week was having lunch with SML...there is nothing that makes me happier then food and great company. I love to talk and I love to eat and today I got the best of both! Just being real with someone, and laughing...and eating...its great. I had such a wonderful time. It was fast but it was still great. I think the funniest thing is when she was telling me about the family she stayed with in Austria and she said the dad was the stake president...and the guy behind the bar said "I heard you say stake president" Then he told us all about how his dad from texas was the stake president down there and how he was in a ward here in town. And laying right next to SML was the book I gave her, "Leaving the Saints"...I still wonder if he saw it, he didnt talk to us much beyond that first conversation. Oh well...his loss! So lunch was great, it was fun catching up. So life is good...busy but good....I leave tomorrow at 8am for a retreat up in the mountains with a group of people from church. I am stoaked...Well I hope everyone else out there in blog world is feeling okay and enjoying life...I promise I will have a good blog written sometime.

It has been too long! I don't know why I can't keep up with anything in my life. I have been meaning to post for awhile, but I always check my myspace first and I end up spending hours on there. Although I try, I cannot figure out why it is so addicting and time consuming. In case any of you have myspace's and want to add me, so I spend more time on there, the address is

. Anyway, I'll tell you about my day.
Today I went to church with the person who I feel is most resposible for pulling me out of the mormon faith. She called and wondered if I was going. I wasn't going to at first, I was going to go tomorrow but decided I would go tonight. This was actually the first time I have gone to a weekend service with her, she is always at the highschool one on wednesday nights, but this was the first weekend service we went to together. It was pretty fun. But that really isn't what the blog is about. It is about the "superficialness" the mormon church has. I can't figure it out. I mean if they are fake or if they are real. I was driving home from dinner at my grandmas and I drove by the words of wisdom book store ( the lds book shop close by the temple.) There were a lot of cars, I drove by, but for some reason I got the urge to turn around and go back. SO I flipped a Uie and went back. I drove into the parking lot, worship music blaring, and I parked. I hesitated because the sign said open but the other thing said it closed at 6, but I saw a lot of women in there so I went in. I knew there would be someone I knew, and sure enough there were a few. The first person I saw was my old bishop's wife. I had know her for as long as I could remember, her husband baptized me when I was 8, and she lived out by my grandmas. I saw her and we hugged, she started up some small talk. Asked how school was, all that stuff. I'm pretty sure she isn't aware of my absence from the church, or the conversation might have been different. We went our seperate ways for awhile, and I went in search of others I might know. I ran into the wife and daughters of our home teacher. I'm pretty sure they know I have left the church, but they still were pretty friendly..they were on there way out. While I browsed a lady asked if I needed help finding anything, and I told her know. But while she was there she commented on the man by me...saying it was "ladies night out" at the bookstore, and that this lady (indicating the male) forgot his skirt, then she laughed and walked away. Eventually, I was by the lady who I first saw, I commented on the basket full of books she was carrying. She said some of them were for her daughter. She told me her daughter had had a kid in April and she graduated from a collaege with a degree in Elementy Ed. I said "Oh, Ashley would be a great teacher." She use to babysit me and was always really nice. After my comment she said, yeah she peobably won't ever use her degree though, she'll be at home with the kids. Well gosh I wish I was still a female in the mormon church. I could go to the bookstore on ladies night out and stay at home, letting my degree and four years of schooling sit there and collect dust. I just don't understand why someone whould want that life. True I want to stay home with my kids, but I want to have a career too. I'm not going to waste 4 years of my life and thousands of dollars to go to school and never have a career. So I left the bookstore, happy and relived. Happy that I am no longer in that world. The bookshop just reminded me of stepford wives. SCARY.
On my way home a song I liekd came on the radio and there was a pretty sunset and so I decided to keep driving. I ended up driving by the mormon temple. Why, I don't know, but I just felt like it. As I drove by it, I remembered how I always thought it looked fake, like a picture. And it still does. It doesn't even look real. But it reminds me of the churches members. I haven't met very many "real" mormons. But, the ones I have met have been a breath of fresh air. One of my best friends was 30, and I babysat for her, and at the end we were getting babysitters so we could go to movies, and talk. She was awesome, and I loved her because she was real. Her husband was this strict mrmon and she was a convert who had a wild side...and she would share that side with me. She ended up moving to salt lake city to be closer to her husbands family. We havent been as close since I've told her I've left the lds church. But I just hate the fakeness about the mormon church. How everyone acts so perfect, like nothing is wrong in there life. I HATE it. I remember the condemnation I constatly felt when I went. It sucked. It just frustrates me when anyone is fake... but I mean the whole freakin mormon church seems fake, the temple even looks fake. I don't get it. What is so wrong with being real, admitting we have problems and asking for help? Well I can tell you why peopl don't ask for help...gossip spreads like a wild brush fire in the mormon church. I guess that is what the ladies do inbetween canning fruit, sewing blankets for the new mothers, making dinner, cleaning the house, and going to the bookstore for ladies night.

So after today, I don't wish I was back in the church. I am always afraid if I go back to church that I will want to go back because I miss it...but I don't, not at all. Everytime I do something like go into the mormon bookstore or look at the temple I thank God I have found him. That I am free, happy and alive. I love the church I go to, because they arent afraid to admit they are sinners, that they have problems, that they need help. They have celebrate recovery groups every friday, offer free counseling, it is a church full of humans, and I love it. I love knowing I am amongst people who have problems, who sin, who make mistakes, who have room for improvement. It lets me know that I can be real too, and still be an alright person..god doesn't expect perfecting, he just wants us to try ouyr best and he will do the rest. What a great thought. I love my heavenly father with all of my heart and I am so glad I am free.

Well it has been awhile since I have posted last, but you know that thing they call SCHOOL and LIFE, it really just gets in the way and that is what has seemed to happen. And now I sit in an empty house, family gone out of town and me sittin here in the basement. Well I am really tired but super excited at the same time. Tomorrow is the day I get baptized. I have been waiting for this and even though my family will not be ther I can't wait. I am so excited to be taking the next step...looking back I have come SOOOO far. I love it and i truly love my life. I am just not saying that. Anyway tonmorrow I will give more of an update about about the baptism...AHWWWWW I am so excited.

Okay, so I am sure you are all dieing to hear more about me...haha...but that is going to be one LONG blog so I'm putting it off until I have more time to write. So in the meantime I will find another thing to entertain you with. Let us see. What is on my mind. Well what isn't on my mind? I'll have to actually narrow it down. OKAY. I think I am going to write about "Revalations." Okay, well in the dictionary the definitions given are as follows...
a. God's disclosure of Himself and His will to His creatures.
b. an instance of such communication or disclosure.
c. something thus communicated or disclosed.
d. something that contains such disclosure, as the Bible.

Okay well lets use definition A. So basically God tells some one something, reveals to them some sort of knowledge. Well now lets think about revalations. Lets say that God ( i know some of you don't belive in him, but just bear with me.) Lets say he is perfect like the bible says. Mormon doctirine says that JOseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon through revalation...things were revealed to him by God himself. Okay so God is perfect. The Book of Mormon is as Joseph Smith said the one true book on this earth. Okay. Well Joseph started mormonism on revalations from God..God helped him start it up and "revealved" to him how it was suppose to be run. So first, lets talk about poligamy. It was revealed to Joseph Smith that this was a holy ordinance from God. Well law eventually steps in and says "hey guys this is illegal." So crazily enough God reveals to the prophet ( he has a "revalation")) at this time that pilogamy should not be practiced. Well geeze if the bible is right in saying that God is perfect, why would he tell Joseph this was right and then later reveal to someone else after law steps in that this is wrong? Same thing with blacks not being able to hold the priesthood. Joseph claims this was sent by God, but hey then perfect God turns around and after law steps in and spaeks out against it... Here comes another revalation. So either God is not perfect and is always changing his mind...making the bible unture....OR...the prophets aren't hearing a thing from God but making things up and saying things are messages from God...OR...mormonism is a load of bull...OR... the fundamentalist mormons are true ( the ones still practising poligamy and that think the entire church went down hill when they started changing things when certain things became illegal.) So boliling it all down..from these revalations Joseph Smith and other prophets got we can detirmine that A. The bilbe is wrong and God changes his mind a lot. B. Mormonism is wrong, and built on lies and liars claming to have spoken and heard from an always changing God. C. There is NO God. Or D. None of the above. I go with B. Because I believe there is a God, and I don't think he changes his mind all the time. So I'd love to hear all of your thoughts. A, B, c, or D.

Okay so here it is, my first real blog written on here. There are lots of things going trough my mind to write about but I am going to start off with this.....

The Ups and Downs of this life.
I got a comment on one of my earlier blogs with a question at the end. The question was... What happens when you feel like your life isn't so perfect? We all have our ups and downs you know.

Well when I read the question it immediately took me back to my recent vacation in California. I was swimming in the ocean across from our hotel. The waves that day were particularly high and I had my boogie board and was having fun riding the waves. I would stand towards the beach and wait for the waves to come up behind me. When I would feel the wave come up I would jump onto my boogie board and ride the waves in. That was fun for awhile, but then I thought it would be fun to try and swim into the waves and not go with the flow. Well me being the genius I am, I got ready and faced the waves. The first wave was huge and I tried going against the wave, and well lets just say I had a nose, eyes, and mouth full of water. The wave took me under and I came up gasping for air. Not so smart. But as I stood up and put my swimsuit back on my body, and rubbed my face, a thought came to me. I thought about the "waves" in our life. The ups and downs we all expirence.

What I discovered that day at the beach was that when I try and go against a greater force (the wave), I am going to loose 9 out of 10 times. Trials, sorrow, pain and all those things are facts of life, they are inevitable and we will all expirence them at one time or another. But I have learned that if we try and fight them, we are going to loose. It is a lot easier to go with the flow of the wave. I have learned in my life to embrace the trials that come my way. If I fight them, I am just going to be warn out and tired at the end of it...I will make it worse then it has to be. So I embrace the trail and have faith that it is coming my way for a reason, that there is something to be learned. I always try and keep things in perspective, I can't be depressed forever. Like seasons, trials pass too. I just have to stick it out and know there is something better around the corner.

I have plenty of trials in my life right now. I am a 17 year old girl who has gone against her family and chosen a differnt religion. The fact that the church I left was the mormon church makes it even harder. My family is and always has been very critical and harsh. They haven't made this transition for me easy. I am facing past issues right now, and making myself be held accountable for past actions. Not to mention the everytday trials of being a teenage girl tring to fit in at highschool. So my life may not look perfect to others, but for me my life is perfect. I have an inner peace. I am at the eye of the hurricane. There are things raging on the outside, but I have found an inner peace. Jesus Christ.
Well there it is my first blog. I hope this awnsers your question La. :)

Yet another blog from myspace. I promise I will be done now. It is just so amazing to come out of the mormon shell and start living and it is enough to make anyone happy. Well this is from the first part of JUly. I hope you enjoy...



When I look at my life two years ago, I am speechless. The start of my freshman
year, and what could be the worst year of my life. But I am shocked at where I was then in my life and how far I have come since that time. I love how life can change SO much in no time at all. In fact it only takes seconds to change your life. Sometimes called accidents or mistakes. However, in my time on earth I feel there has been NO accidents or mistakes. I think everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as a mistake or an accident. I think there are lessons to be learned and people to meet through these things we call accidents. I dont think us meeting that person or learning something is meant to be accidental. You may think you have made a mistake in your life, however the lesson you learned in the process of making that mistake is not a mistake, but a blessing to you and your life. It kind of balances out in my mind. I know that if people looked at my life they might say I have made A LOT of mistakes, but most people would look at what I did wrong, and skip everything I learned and the people I met who are crucial in my life right now. The mistakes Ive made thus far have brought me to a place in my life I never want to leave, so to me I cant call them mistakes. You may have a different opinion and I totally respect that, I am just thinking about my own life.

Back to my life. I LOVE it. There is nothing I would rather do then live. I think life is fascinating if you want it to be. Life is what you put into it. My life is so perfect right now. Others may look at it and not agree, but dont try and tell me that, because I dont agree! Right now I have everything I need and I am content. My needs are being taken care of and I am working on being an all around better person. I have figured out I dont need drugs, alcohol or anything else to make myself happy, or fill what I like to call holes in my life. You may think I am weird, but hey I am happy, TRULY HAPPY. Happiness is the best drug in the world. Its free and doesnt do anything to your body! Anyone can have this drug and it will never run out. You may have to put a little work Into attaining it but once you have this high there is no going back. The best part is there in no coming down required. ITS SWEET. I recommend this to everyone. Give it a try for a day and youll see what I am talking about.

Where I was 2 years ago compared to where I am today is a testament to everyone that YOU CAN MAKE IT in life. Hard work pays off in the end. Things can always get better, the key is to embrace even the smallest things. I am so thankful to have found a place where I can be real and not looked down upon, but embraced, loved and helped. CHURCH! Since leaving my previous faith and crossing over to as some would say the dark side I have found so much freedom and my life has been drastically changed. My new faith fits me and I am as happy as I can be and possibly ever will be. YEAHY FOR JESUS.

Okay well I apologize for bringing religion into this but it is responsible for much of my new found happiness. I wanted to write this because I was thinking about my life and everything happening in it right now, and then I thought of 2 years ago! AHWWWW a nightmare. So if there is anyone out there reading this and you are in a bad place and not enjoying life, I WAS THERE TOO. But I have come out of it and I am enjoying life, more now then EVER. So hang in there and call me if you want to talk. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

here is the blog I wrote after I got back from church camp. This was my first real encounter with god since leaving the mormon church. I wrote this at the end of July. The people I metioned at the bottem are people you don't know but I left that part in there anyway.


Well I am back from church camp, and wishing I was there again. I don't know how 4 days in the mountains can change someone so much, but it does. Being surrounded by like minded people living for God has power beyond words. Don't get me wrong...it took time to get use to. There were problems at the beginging, but what I learned from that is "honesty is the best policy" If you have a problem with something, tell the person. But I mean the "problems" werent big and they only added to the overall expirence....because there is good in everything, and life isn't going to be problem free. But the most glorious thing that happened, Happened not on the zipline, not attempting to make hemp, not in winning the 80's dress up contest, but on Wednesday night at the nightly sermon and worship session. Let me try and explain...

It is so hard for me to find the words to describe this day to you. It was one of those days. It will forever be etched in my mind as the day I met God. The day that really changed the course of my life, the best day of my life. I can honestly say right now that Wednesday July 26th, 2006 has been the best day of my life, and it made this summer the best summer thus far in my life...even minus Europe and the trip to L.A. So where to begin? For those of you who were not there, I can't describe what happened or what went on. I can't even tell you what happened inside me because there are no words that have been made up to describe to you the feelings. But I can tell you that it is the best feeling a person can feel in there life. That feeling like if you died in that instant it wouldn't be scary, and you wouldnt be sad because you knew you were going to meet your maker face to face, and the feeling you were feeling would never leave you. The feeling of being full, but not sick. You are just filled up as far as you can be. That really doesnt even do the feeling justice. But I will tell you that there is no feeling quite like it. You feel so loved, and there is no one on the face of the earth that can fill you with this love because it is so surreal. After Wedneday's sermon, I have looked at life differently, my heart has changed, and I am thinking differently, I even worship different. It is so incredible. I never want this spirit in me to die. I'd give up all my worldly posessions to be there with Him again, and to feel that full. Truly, I wish this feeling on everybody...you won't be the same afterward. I have no more guilt, shame, or even fear in my life...I know who I am living for, and where I am going, and the one person I have to awnser to in the end, and I am not worried about anything else.

It was an AWE inspiring night. Going into camp I expected nothing of this magnitude to happen...but I am SO excited that it did. I have never expirinced God in such a way in my life, and honestly I didn't think you could. Unless you have expirinced this yourself you won't know what I am talking about, and you might even think I am weird...but just wait...you may expirence this in your life, and I really hope you do.

I love my church...I love the people in my church, the feeling I get from going to church...and I love the bible, and the powerful messages it conveys.

I want to take the time to thank individual people who I feel are most responsible for bringing me to know christ...because I feel truly indebted to these people.

Fist of all I want to thank GOD- He really is the one responsible for it all in the long run...he placed the following people in my life. So I thank him and praise him for all he has done.

Libby Fletcher- She was the first person to bring me to Faith Chapel in the 7th grade.
Kira Bomar- She brought me to Faith Chapel at the end of 9 th grade when I was really struggeling.
MINDI BOUCHARD- She was the one who told me to come at the begining of my 10th grade year, although I went to just see her the 1st time, I soon began listening and actually liking it. And since that first time the only time I have missed an Innerchange has been when I was out of the country! :-)
Brian Carpenter- I heard him my 1st time and he totally had me intrested and I wanted to hear more, and more, and more.
Cindy Fjell- She was the first one working at Faith Chapel to reach out to me, and say hi, and since then she has been so instrumental in my journey. She is so wise. I love her and respect her and what she says so much because you can tell she is a women of God.
DeAnn Carpenter- She is so cute!!! Hahah, I love her. She was the 1st person I met and talked to about Faith Chapel. Since then she has been active in my life. She has done so much for me. She has helped bring up my past and help me to get the freedom I need.
The Cooks- Jan and Kerry are great and Jan is my go-to women when I have questions about my previous faith and how it relates to Faith Chapel. And Kerry is just plain nice.
Bronson Hill- I didn't meet him until camp, but he is such a nice guy and I know he will be important in my life. I can't wait to hear him deliver Gods words.

And everyone else- You have all helped me, everyone that goes to Faith Chapel has been important in my life and I thank you all for reaching out and being a friend.

I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!! Camp was amazing. And I am so filled with HIS love. Thank you everybody!

Here is another blog from myspace.... I wrote this the night before school statred this year.

Every end brings about a new begining.

So everyone is writing blogs tonight and I feel left out so I guess I will just write one too. I am in a very reflective mood today. Just really diving head first into all of my past, but mostly freshman year. This is the second blog I have mentioned it in but it was a BIG deal and standing here 2 years down the road I realise that it was a life shaper. In that moment i thought it was the end of my life but looking at it now it was a beginning. I learned so many valueable lessons from it. I mean everyone is so against depression. But what I think is that life is suppose to be filled with trials, obstacles and sorrow. Because ladies and gentelmen, if we never expirence pain and sadness in our life, we wouldn't know what joy was. And the joy I feel now is thanks to all the suffering I did for 7 years of my life until all the stuff I had been botteling up and let sit...EXPLODED. In the midst of that explosion it looked like the end, felt like the end, but was not the end. I had a new bottle in front of me, and I learned a valueable lesson in not letting that bottle get full again.

I remember a road trip last summer. I was with my grandma, great aunt, cousin and little sister. My cousin had put some Orange juice from the hotel breakfast into a cheap water bottle. She put the cap on and then left it in the hot car and had forgotten about it. As we were driving one day we heard a LOUD explosion. Well the orange juice had fermented which is A state of agitation or of turbulent change or development. And the O.J blew up all over the car. It was a mess.

So like I was talking about above I had bottled up my feelings and they fermented, and exploded. i don't know if that was gramatically correct or if i used the word fermented right, but i dont care (Jade). My mom getting cancer was the last straw which caused everything else to blow up.

But in that mess, in the sadness, in the depression and the lonliness..there was a fresh start and a new road in front of me. I just had to find that road which lay right in front of me but I couldn't see it because of the clouds of dirt I had stirred up on the other road. I had to wait for the dust to settle again before I would find the new road and take the first step.

As the new school year approches there is a lot of anticipation, but I am ready and excited for what I feel is a continuation of the road I stepped on last year. It's a happy road and I have someone guiding me on this road, I'm no longer doing it on my own. I read proverbs 16 this morning and it was perfect for today. In verse one it says...We can gather our thoughts, but the lord gives the right awnser. In verse 9 it says: We can make our plans, but the lord detirmines our steps. And the last verse, verse 33 really ties it together: We may throw the dice, but the lord detirmines how they fall.

That brings me comfort knowing I'm not in control, I hate being in control, there is too much pressure. I can have a plan for this school year, but in the end the lord will really be the one directing my feet on this road, this road of life. Of tring to fit in,conforming to everyone else, learning who we are, and what we believe.

Life is complicated but I learned a valueable lesson this summer. Summer is FUN, and rewarding but summer is a season and it passes, but that doesn't mean the rest of the year can't be just as happy and fun. But sometimes when we think we have reached the end we get discouraged and become sad, but we must also realise when something ends, something new begins. And I can't wait to see what is in store for me this school year. Goodbye summer, hello new beginning.

Okay yes if you read any of my blogs you will find that they are long. Sorry if you don't like to read. A lot of the time, my blogs are more for my benefit then anyone elses. I kind of preach to myself in them. Anyway there it is, a back to school blog. But, I must go to bed now because I need to put an end to today so I am well rested for the newness of tomorrow and everything it brings.



THE END!

Well I am going to post all of my myspace blogs on here, just transfer them over. Well I wrote this one on September 4th...


It was 3 days ago today that I turned 17. And today reality hit. I began to think about things. I realized that I still loved hopping in bed and cuddling with my mom. I still love to color in coloring books, but only the ones with big pictures because its easier to stay in the lines. I love playing in sand boxes and getting dirty. MUD. I love swings and seesaws. I love spinning around in circles and the laying on the grass and watching the sky spin. I like to get participation ribbons when I run a race and come in last. What a boost! I like dressing up, only now there is a point to it. But why not dress up for no reason like I did when I was 5.

There are so many things I still love that are often associated with children. Childhood was such a magical time. I remember how I use to love Christmas. Laying awake in bed Christmas Eve wondering what Santa was going to bring. Wondering if he was watching that one time I was mean to my sister. But Christmas somehow lost its magic when I learned Santa was just my mom. I remember the trill of Easter egg hunts and trips to Chuckie Cheese. But Chuckie Cheese lost its thrill when I learned Chuckie was just a high schooler that needed a job wearing a mouse costume. Everything was so magical then. When I didnt know the answers to all the questions, or even the questions.



Children are always so happy.



The slimplicty of childhood amazes me. I dont think you ever quite appreciate it until you get a wake up call. A dose of reality. Highschool. I wish I would have appreciated my childhood and had more fun. I wish I would have appreciated nap time back then it was such a drag. Now however, its a joyus time.:) I wish I could go back and start over.



I wish society was different.



After weve hit a certain age we are considered childish or immature if we do things like spin around in circles and watch the sky spin. And moms think its weird when their 17 year old daughter climbs into bed with them. But look at the fun children have. Why cant adults still have fun simple fun. Not big houses and vacations to Hawaii. But playing dress up and coloring in color books, making snow angels. Because society says after a certain age you are childish and need to grow up if you still like or want to do those things. So in 362 days I turn 18, the age of an adult. The age where coloring books and participation ribbons become a thing of the past. I have to start and act like an adultbut Im scared. Look at adults. Fun is replaced with work. Questions become answered. Adults think they have all the answers and life figured out. But I know I dont.



So this year I am just going to try and have fun. I am not going to conform to what other people think is right. Im going to have fun and be my immature, childish self because I only have 362 days of childhood left, and I dont want to regret it. Im going to live it up. I am going to appreciate simple things, like drinking pop with a meal and staying up late to watch a movie. Snuggling in bed with mom and having my laundry done for me. This year I vow to appreciate everything, laugh more and smile, because smiling is my favorite. This year Im going to take naps and play on swing setsand I dont care what anybody thinks.



Youre only a kid once!!

Well it seems like I have found yet another website I can add to my list of everyday visits. As if myspace and livejournal are not enough. I just have to remember to keep a balance between the 3. I don't know how to use this site quite yet, but I need to figure out how to get links and get in touch with others on here. Sister Mary Lisa has gotten me intrested in this website. Anyway I think I am going to use this site to let people know how God is working in my life. Anyway, this is just my introduction blog a, but I will get into things more a little later. So hello everyone, I'm Emily. Nice to meet you.

Okay hello, I just joined so I am new to everything and may need help with certain things. Anyway its late so Im not going to write much but my name is Emily Harris, and I love life and I love to write. So I'll start having to bost blogs on here. Well okay I am going to be done for now and go to bed.